there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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