I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
worst night to have a conscience
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
