Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
