I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
