I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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