now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
