I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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