I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
