I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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