i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
