I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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