you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i came on her dog
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
