im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
