i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
