I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
