K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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