I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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