Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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