mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
