I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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