how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
