Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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