Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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