K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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