Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
