im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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