So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize