how do flat chested girls get laid?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
