Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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