i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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