Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
