Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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