i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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