can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
