wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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