My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Is that strawberry winking at me??
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
