Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
