if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
