Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
