He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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