How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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