I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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