burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
