dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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