My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
