I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
