I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
