What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
