mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
