from now on my penis is your penis
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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