I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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