Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
being pregnant is like rehab
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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