Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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