Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
