Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
