What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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