im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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