The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
