Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Fuck appropriateness.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
