Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
