my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize